I can’t go back to yesterday — because I was a different person then — Lewis Carroll
Look at you my lovely, once-upon-a-time self. 25. Newly married to your high school sweetheart, your story is just beginning. Everything is on schedule to begin your modern fairy tale. The outline has been predetermined — by you. Exhilarated, you await the fleshing out of the finer details, certain they will meet your expectations.
What you don’t realize, is the best-laid dreams of starry-eyed ingenues don’t always come true.
Life’s journey will take you through inconceivable storms. At times, you will feel stripped and shattered, certain you will never be whole again. But, I’m here to tell you — three decades later — you will weather the tempests. Your memoir will be illustrated with the colors of a sweeping saga. You will recover, replenish, and rebuild time and time again. You will forge a heart of restoration and hope.
You will be your own heroine.
Our life’s quest was a typical middle-class narration: Vivacious college-educated woman marries a smart handsome man who adores her. They start out in a modest home, eventually settling down in an upscale neighborhood with their four children — two boys, two girls. Money never being a concern, it is her choice whether she spends her days at an office or volunteering, or perhaps, a little of both. Summers would be filled with pool parties and family vacations. All her children would be athletic, smart, and popular. Soon, they would meet their own mates, have successful careers, and provide grandchildren. The blissed-filled grandparents eventually ease into a comfortable retirement and enjoy the fruits of a fairy tale legacy.
If you haven’t guessed already, younger me, that is not how our story turns out. You might think I’m seeking to dampen your naïveté, but that is not the case. To do so would douse the sparks of our history. I’m here to highlight some of the events that will steer you to roads less traveled. Annotate some of your preconceptions. Not to have you switch course, for that would result in a different destination, but to provide you with the faith you’ll need to continue your path.
To become the woman of character you aspire to be.
Being a zebra will be limiting
In our twenties, everything was black and white — politics, faith, parenting. We were crafting our cornerstones and needed a firm foundation to build upon. They served us well — provided strong roots, made us feel secure — until they became confining. They distracted us from soothing shades of grey and the charms of nuance. I shudder when I realize how dogmatic we were, failing to recognize another’s sense of right and wrong could be just as valid.
There will come a time when society feeds like vultures on such assumptions. When those who may think differently from each other are regarded as enemies. It will grieve our soul, but we will be mindful to have practiced perspective — preserved our humanity.
We won’t be the perfect parent
Infertility issues will limit our offspring to two. Blessed with a couple of fine young lads, we will throw ourselves completely into their nurturing. Education, nutrition, sports, discipline, recreation, family time all mapped out to promote optimal growth. We oversaw with a loving, not overbearing, hand — providing just enough oversight to assist direction and encourage independence. It would be practically perfect — or so we thought.
It will take a while to acknowledge some mistakes — an unnecessarily heavy hand, a few minor (and major) misjudgments. But we will eventually comprehend we did the best we had with the resources available. It will bring us a sense of peace and a newfound insight into the caring nature of our own parents.
Our hero will die, but we will survive
The ultimate breach to the fairy tale contract, our hero dies midway through the story. The dissolving of the partnership is a long, drawn-out process. We were a team and when the hero began to falter, we picked up the slack. Our role expanded to include caretaker, nurse, and, finally, widowed head of household.
We will be proud of ourselves for enduring. For maintaining some moment of normalcy each day, even if only in a robotic function. It will take decades to fully process this forced single ownership of our sanity — cultivate our acceptance of personal sovereignty.
We will need to go to the well repeatedly
Fiercely independent, it will crush us to ask for help. After all, we are the primary caregiver, not the recipient. We will be prideful, convinced that no one else is equipped to provide quality assistance. Adding insult, this will not be a single occurrence. We will find ourselves in numerous states of injury, dipping in the well of kindness again and again until we are sure it will run dry.
Like the miracle at Cana, our community wine never depletes and we are inebriated with gratitude. We develop empathy — foster humility. We acquire debts we have no chance to repay and are awestruck by their joy in giving.
Villains will serve a purpose
We will encounter more than our expected share of villainy. After all, every fairy tale needs a counterbalance of dastardly deeds to keep us engaged. Some will be overt and others will be wolves in sheep’s clothing, but all will catch us off guard and cause us to briefly doubt our judgment.
Much to the scoundrels’ dismay, however, each conflict will bestow a gift. These endowments will cause us to develop skills or discover hidden kernels of truth within ourselves. We will garner discernment — be wiser when the next challenge arises.
Our children will write their own stories
Regrettably, we were somewhat judgmental of others’ styles of parenting. If they didn’t align with ours, we surmised these offspring would be spoiled or — gasp! — unproductive members of society. Gradually, we began to appreciate the true nature of a child — of a human — will come to be no matter the influence. They will bloom in their own time and be beautiful.
As much as we tried, we could not prevent our sons from suffering, enduring hardship, or making mistakes and living with the consequences. We could only strive to provide a safe haven and a strong moral compass to chart their own paths. Like us, they have prevailed and grown sturdy, strong. Watching them navigate their courses will be our greatest accomplishment.
Picking up the pieces will be a never-ending process. Initially, our defenses will want to cover our wounds, camouflage our scars. But those shrouds are too difficult to maintain and we will never able to fully rest within our story if we continue to try.
And so, we will come to embrace our imperfections — honor our unique broken history. Like the Japanese art of Kintsugi, we will highlight our fractures with gold, delighting in our resilience. Our modern fairy tale may have an unforeseen conclusion, but it will end happily ever after all the same.
This post previously published on Illumination | @Medium
4 thoughts on “Dear Twenty-Something Self: Your Dreams Aren’t Going to Come True and I’m Good With That”
Lisa, this is excellent. Your subject headings are great touch points. We won’t be perfect parents or anything, we will need to see the gray in that zebra, we will experience and learn from villains – how not to act, and we will become an evolving person if we don’t mind hitching a ride on change.
I was asked by a friend when I was 40 “if I knew anyone who wanted to join the Board of a non-profit helping homeless families?” He was fishing for me, but he called at the right time. I had just read “Street Lawyer” by John Grisham and was more receptive to the invitation than I would have been before I picked up the book. The acceptance of that invitation has made me a better, more empathetic person than I was before.
I think if we are open to them, opportunities present themselves. Well done, Keith
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Keith. It still continues to amaze me where life takes us.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Genius once again. I’m sure someone, somewhere has written a self help book on widowhood. Up until 10/21/18 I never searched out that type of help. Then, with a single gunshot, that all changed. Suddenly, I had well meaning ppl coming at me from every direction . Each person had a prayer or hug and even a few “I’ve been there”.
I think, in a lot of ways, I had to forge ahead. I had to find my own path, my solutions, my therapy.
But in the end, it was you, Lisa, who helped me the most. Whether you believe it or not, reading your blogs has been the comfort I needed.
Please keep writing, Lisa! You’re such a beautiful person!
Sent from my iPhone
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Ann! Selfishly, I write to help me heal, but finding out it can help others is an unexpected bonus.
I follow Sheryl Sandberg’s Option B on FB. Have only read excerpts of her book, but I like what they have to say. You might want to check it out:https://www.facebook.com/optionbcommunity/
Take care my friend!